I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
