I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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