i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
