Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
