I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
