hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
