My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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