Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
