i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
