I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
he just fucked me for my cheese.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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