anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
