she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
