who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Randomize
