I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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