My Higher Power is John Stamos
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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