I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
