dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
