I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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