I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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