dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
