After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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