I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
