Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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