i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
