I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
