i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
