Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
