I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
