just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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