There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
