I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
