i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
