9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
