If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
