life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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