I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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