I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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