rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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