girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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