My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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