If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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