Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
