i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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