2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
