i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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