3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
