not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
