I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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