Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I don't deserve a penis
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Randomize
