Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
