so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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