I got chris browned last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The feeling are messing with the penis
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
