We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
