You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
