My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
True strength comes from lack of pants
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
