I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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